We're like a lot better than the average bears
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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