I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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