That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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