Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
