I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
