His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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