Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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