Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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