My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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