turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
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I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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