Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm having to shit out rocks
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
