when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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