i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
