remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
