I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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