I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
whose parrot is this?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
