Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
