I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
