I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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