There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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