I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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