The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
