did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
