You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
