But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
