and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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