Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
