he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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