I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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