i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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