So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I deserve this hangover.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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