on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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