college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
