My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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