Sorry, I don't speak sober.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
