she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
