Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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