you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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