Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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