hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
