Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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