I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
