so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
