gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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