...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
there's paper in my vomit.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
