Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
