Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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