zippers are such a cool invention
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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