I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
