i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
