My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Soap is not a condiment
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We're too hungover to prance.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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