Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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