I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
