hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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