There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
