My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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